If you’ll allow a little story here.

She returned from a week-long tropical vacation with this guy she has been off and on with for six years (she paid for everything). She said, this vacation is make or break for the relationship. The entire week, no sex. Finally she breaks down in tears asking if he loves her and if he wants to be with her. He says no, in so many words. Despite this she is still waiting for his call. I ask why she put so many expectations on a guy that has been blatantly showing to her for six years that he had no intent on “settling down” with her despite his words to the opposite. Meanwhile, she has nothing but negative comments on my sexual expression and believes, whole-heartedly, that women are naturally monogamous and that is the only way to have a good relationship. I pointed out that, obviously, it didn’t work for her.

She REALLY needs to read this.

And this: “That is the problem with monogamy: that we are expected to love only one person. Family relationships are recognized, but they’re also marginalized — we’re expected to see our parents, siblings, still-living grandparents and grown children only a few times a year (and what of our aunts, uncles, cousins?); they’re not set up as vital relationships in our daily lives.”

Sounds like my brother’s treatment of our family. Though there are some other hateful aspects on his part but yeah…first time we met his now-wife was a month and a half before he proposed. Thanks.

…

Adding to what I said earlier: most of the alternative family structures I encounter in my life — at least those that are intentional — function as well as or better than the traditional structure. (That’s both a reflection on traditional structures and on the fact that those people knowingly opted out, i.e. that those folks have self-selected as not cut out for the traditional structure.) The ones I think of have, on balance, just as much involvement from men and fathers as the traditional set up does. I’m not, as Aych claims in his follow up to you, worried about the “toxic” presence of straight men (at all) — I’m worried about the toxicity of loneliness and alienation. Those things plague straight men more than most other groups, if suicide rates are any indication.

My non-traditional family, which includes both my family of origin and the circle of friends I obliquely imply here, both include men. My family of origin includes my biological father. And we were not poor, abused, or neglected. Aych’s comment strikes me as willfully misintrepreting and unreasonable — though I only read those two, not the thread, so I may be off base — which is kind of standard fare from him.

I’m not going to rethink the title — men and fathers, in my opinion, have more to gain than women from what I’m talking about, because women are already allowed, to some extent, to have important friendships, while real friendships between straight guys don’t seem to get any real cultural support.

I’m sorry you were mistreated by your friends. That’s no good. What I’m talking about is the opposite of that: not using someone to “fill in the gaps” left by a lover, but forming mutual relationships that are prioritized by everyone involved. It’s not something one can do alone, which makes it a little useless as a suggestion for an individual — it has to happen in communities.

I have to run to class; back later.

This both assures that our various needs actually get met

I wish that were true. My experience, however, is that it is not. Most of my adult life has been charactered by on the one hand a tendency to fall into support roles for women, and on the other, a failure to get my own support/love/sex needs met, either by those women or by anyone else. This has been enormously costly to me, to the point where I now consciously and explicitly decline, even though it goes against my nature to do so.

So yeah, if you (that’s a generic ‘you’. of course) are dating or sleeping with someone else, don’t expect me to fill in the gaps.